the most important question is actually 'why?'

There comes times when we are faced with difficult decisions, or have to do things that we don't like or enjoy. I think in times like this, bearing in mind the reason why we are doing these things is exceptionally important. Like when times get hard and I fail to balance yet another cash flow statement after a million tries or when I have to say goodbye to someone i've grown to care rather deeply about.

I've always wondered about how people look like they aren't hurting after they end something which means alot to them, in my case-- a relationship of sorts. After spending so much time with one person, its impossible to not care for them at all. There comes a certain point in time whereby you realize that no matter how much you try to make it work, if its not meant to be its not meant to be. Feelings are sly deceitful things. What you feel at one moment may not be what you're feeling the next. 

Right now I actually have forcibly try to remember the negatives, and what made me so certain that this relationship wasn't the right one for me. Its almost as if these negative emotions have vanished entirely, replaced by a hollow ache not unlike a phantom limb . I think a flaw of our species is that we tend to romanticize things after they are over, looking at things through rose-tinted glasses. But no, Im not going to let myself be fooled by this loneliness that does not actually exist, especially when I was the one who wanted out. 

Its not easy though. The little moments are the ones that get to you. When you start a new whatsapp message and then you see his name at the very top of  'recently contacted'. My heart had an actual physical reaction to that, I actually felt it sink a little. Yesterday night at 3am I woke up from another nightmare (they happen on average once a week) and while the usual procedure would have been to take my phone and text him about it, I had a sobering moment whereby I sat right up, realized that i had no reason to reach for my phone anymore, and tried to go back to sleep. 

Meanwhile, I'll just focus on remembering the 'why's of why i do certain things and keep doing them. I've been sleeping excessively the past two days and while I try to tell myself that its because im sick (which i actually am) but I know real reason is this sweet wonderful sort of escapism which comes with sleep. But that holiday period is over, and the actual final sprint starts tomorrow.

on a side note: I've really been binge eating this exam period and I just wish there were a way for me to get rid of this disgusting unhealthy feeling I've been having the past few days. Maybe eating some healthy food like fruits will actually make me feel better about myself. Worth a try tomorrow I guess